I admit to having some of the same questions…
My Questions, The Abbreviated List
I have a variety of questions for the cosmos and the so-called experts. When they’re answered to my satisfaction, I’m sure the world will be a better place. For me, anyway…
Who, exactly, sold us on the idea that exercise gives energy?
I’ve been exercising religiously and while I’ve noted that it gives me muscle aches, a sweaty body, and shortness of breath, I have yet to feel like I could take on the world after a brisk workout. I can take on the world after a six-pack and a box of Oreos, but not after working out on a Nordic track.
Why does anyone give animal behavior research scientists any money?
They spend years and millions of dollars to come up with concepts like, “animals have feelings”, “animals dream”, “animals might be able to think”, “animals can love other animals and humans”, and “animals are nice to have around”. I’m sure the early ones came up with “animals have fur” and “animals like to eat food”.
Clearly, the major requirement to be an animal behavior research scientist is that you can never, ever have interacted with a domesticated animal, nor been within a mile of one in your entire life. A normal three-year-old child with a dog or a cat, on the other hand, could tell you the same as these brilliant experts, and for the price of a Happy Meal.
Why do we claim to want to know all we can about celebrities and then, the moment one of them stupidly tells us something personal about themselves, do we spend the next years ripping them to shreds for this honesty?
When will the closed-minded realize that the arguments “because I think it sounds crazy” or “because I don’t believe in that” don’t actually do anything but show that they are, in fact, closed-minded?
My personal favorite is an acquaintance who insists to me that the theory of evolution is wrong not because she’s got alternate scientific proof or even wants to argue the Creationist viewpoint, but because she thinks it’s, and I quote, “stupid.”
She can’t get past the “apes as relatives” idea – apparently, she’s never been to some of the weddings I have – and has dismissed anything related to science as “dumb.”
Of course, she hasn’t read the Bible, either. I think she’s getting her views from The Star.
Why do those who claim to be liberal and open-minded never allow someone with a conservative viewpoint to voice an opinion without treating said conservative like a Neo-Nazi?
Conservatives let liberals speak up and don’t sit there with their fingers in their ears going “Na na na na, I can’t hear you!”
Why can’t this work in reverse? It used when I was younger, and I swear I’m not that old. Or maybe I was the only open-minded liberal and so didn’t notice?
Come to think of it, in the ‘80’s, I probably was the only liberal around, at least in my circle.
**Sadly, these days, conservatives don’t let liberals have an opinion, either. Does that somehow mean that, despite the evidence, both sides are learning from each other?
Why do some people prefer whining to doing anything?
I realize whining is easier – because it only requires that you run your mouth and complain – but those doing so in my presence would be wise to remember that I have a limited tolerance, guns, ammo, and three large dogs to help dispose of the evidence.
Why, in this day and age, are people still falling for all the email scams out there?
I mean, really, how can someone – no matter how old, inexperienced, or stupid – really believe that some stranger found them on the internet and just knows from their screen name (theycallmetim220 or imaqtpie1999) that they’re the right person to leave multi-millions to? Or that prescription drugs sold via some of the most obvious and badly written scam emails are going to be safe or actually work?
And why, oh why, does anyone still believe that Bill Gates, Disney, or AOL are going to give anybody anything for forwarding an email to anyone?
In a related question, Why do people still insist on sending the threatening “pass this on or you don’t love Jesus/luck/happiness/little children” emails?
Do they really believe that not passing on some lame email with a Bible verse on it means eternal hellfire? Or that the Dali Lama will really bless them personally for forwarding an email with his suggestions? Or that Little Timmy is either real or waiting for their help?
And, why do these same people who pass on all these emails then pass on the one that makes fun of all the loons and losers who send all the threatening “pass this on or else” emails? Does no one out there have any sense of irony or the ability to realize they, themselves, are the joke?
Hmmm…as I look around, I realize that, at least for this last one, I already know the answer.
Excerpted from Random Musings from the Funny Girl, copyright 2014 Jeanne Cook. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or any portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, contact the author: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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