Andy’s Antics | A Misanthrope’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
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This column is no exception. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
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A Misanthrope’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
By Andrea Van Scoyoc
How many of us want a zombie apocalypse? How many of us think it could actually happen? Quite a few, I’m guessing, with all the zombie films, zombie TV shows, documentaries, etc.
For a Misanthrope like me, a ZA (as I call them) would be a dream come true.
I’ve planned, I’ve prepped…I bought my house because there’s iron bars on every window and door.
Unless zombies are carrying around blow torches and cutting tools (Please someone DON’T take that as an idea…you’ll spoil my excitement. Think the zombies that could run and climb in Resident Evil Extinction! Yikes!) they aren’t getting into my house!
So…what are some of the plans I’ve made and precautions I’ve taken?
From clothes to food, here is a pretty comprehensive list, for just one person.
Feel free to use it as a template or guide for your list.
Chapter One:
Clothing
ALWAYS dress for the ZA.
Now…if the ZA hits during the night, most of us are screwed. So…let’s all hope it hits during the day. Just in case, I wear sleep pants and a camisole, to bed.
I can’t see running around in a nightgown or teddy.
I need to be able to move and not worry about flopping around, being cold, etc. so, even at bedtime, I dress in…”just in case”, wear.
So…what to wear if you’re lucky enough to NOT be caught in bed during the ZA?
My daily dress:
Summer: sleeveless undershirts, cargo pants with LOTS of pockets, my converse tennis shoes.
Fall: Long sleeve, form fitting shirt, vest, heavier cargo pants, trooper boots.
Winter: Same as Fall, except heavier clothes.
I always carry gloves and a bandana.
You want to make sure that any clothing you wear isn’t binding, or too loose.
I love poet shirts, sandals and flowy skirts (no…I didn’t mean to rhyme) but…poet shirts make an easy grab for a hungry zombie and skirts are just too difficult to run in.
If you trip and fall, it’s game over. What good is looking stylish if it gets you killed?
Anything a zombie can grab a hold of, whether it’s a ponytail, flowing shirt, loops on pants, a huge backpack…ditch it.
Loops on pants are handy if you’re working construction, but during the ZA, no one is going to be building houses.
Your first obligation is to find a place to hold up…not to wait for help (which won’t come, if you’re honest with yourself) but to use as a means of safety. I’ll touch on that, in a bit.
Until you find an abandoned house, building, etc, travel small and light.
When the ZA hits, you DO need a flashlight, lighter, power bars, hand sanitizer…and I already mentioned gloves and a bandana…especially if you’re foot traveling, whether by choice, happenstance, or because you can’t find a vehicle.
Always keep it simple and pockets are the way to carry enough of what you need…for a while. Just don’t overload them.
This is where cargo and work pants come in really handy and in my opinion, are indispensable because they usually have large pockets.
Ladies, you can’t easily carry a purse (I wear a small backpack purse, right now) and guys…while awesome looking, combat type clothing (camouflage and military fatigues) aren’t practical summer wear, especially if you’re in Florida (I am) where our Summers are brutal, killer (and I don’t mean in the “rad” way) and tormenting.
While this might pose a problem to some who really feel that military fatigues are best, even though I’m not a guy, for me…I really can’t go any way but cargo pants for summer and just realize that if I’m mobile, I’ll have to be crafty with pocket contents.
I really can’t see carrying any sort of backpack any distance.
Chapter Two:
Travel
Vehicles are nice, but unless you plan to carry gasoline with you, don’t count on being able to travel really far.
Even on a full tank, a vehicle will only go so far and then you’re stuck…no telling where…out of gas.
So…just keep in mind, there won’t be any gas. The days where you can pump first without paying, are long gone, thanks to dishonest creeps, so, despite what you might see in some, horror films, there won’t be any pulling up and pumping your tank full.
Unless you land in some podunk town, small enough that they still abide by an honor system.
Don’t bet on it.
If you’re that far in the sticks, unless you can immediately find a place to fortify and live, you need to lose the vehicle and dig in, because the gas just won’t last.
So…switch vehicles…FAST! There will probably be a plethora of wrecked cars. I’m sure the infected will be able to drive before they turn.
Don’t just jump in, either. Check front and back seats. Don’t allow yourself to be surprised.
Chapter Three:
Fortifications
Honestly, unless you live in a tent, there’s really no reason to leave your home, unless you run out of food.
I’ve never understood WHY, in zombie movies, people are compelled to leave their homes.
If you’re not at home when the ZA hits, then you’ve got real problems, because depending where you are, it’s doubtful you’ll get back.
No matter where I am when the ZA hits (if I’m not home) I still wouldn’t go trekking all over America. I’d find someplace to set up a new house.
However…if you ARE home…DON’T LEAVE!!! Doors can be barricaded, roofs make great lookouts from where to shoot zombies and looters (they are worse than the zombies because at least the Rotters can’t help it) and windows can be boarded up.
If you don’t have one, I HIGHLY suggest you get one of those door security bars. Unless Pyramid Head comes knocking, no one, undead, or alive, is getting in…it’s just not possible.
As soon as the ZA hits…PAY ATTENTION! Don’t be walking around the neighborhood, looking at what’s going on, watching the chaos, while the neighbors are screaming and running around.
If that is happening…something is wrong. Go inside, DON’T answer the door (for all you know, your neighbor might kill you) and immediately take stock of food and drinkables…water, bottles of tea, soda pop, etc.
Chapter Four:
Food
When the ZA hits, perishables are going to be just that…perishable.
Depending on how long the electricity lasts, your fridge isn’t going to be much use…except as a barricade.
So…keep your pantry stocked…granola bars, cookies, crackers, peanut butter, cans of chicken, tuna or other potted meat.
If you’re a veggie or vegan, make sure you’re prepared too, because just because you don’t eat meat, doesn’t mean it’ll be any easier for you…especially if none of us can leave our homes to go dig a fire pit outside.
That means eating cans of cold soup, and raw veggies.
If you’re fortunate enough to have high iron fencing around your home or property or a fenced inner courtyard (some houses in my area have them and I continuously scope one of them out. There’s no way zombies are getting in there. Lucky folk…) you’ll be able to dig a fire pit and grill/cook outside.
Otherwise, plan on simple eating.
Chapter Five:
Hygiene
Like to get your nails done? Like hair salons? Enjoy them while you can, because when the ZA hits, unless you get barricaded or join a community that has a nail and hair tech, you’re on your own.
Ladies, stock up on pads and tampons. If you (male or female) have bladder leaks, stock up on adult underwear.
Yard sales/estate sales (especially if you live in a retirement area like I do) are an excellent source for disposable bathing… wet wipes, moist washcloths, etc.
Unless you can stand out in the rain without getting eaten, or your water stays on, there won’t be showers or baths.
Sure, you can go raid a store if you run out of water for cooking and bathing (as well as other supplies,) but do you really think others won’t do the same?
Some people will loot stores, take everything they can and then sell it back to the community…and they might not necessarily demand just money, if you get my drift.
You’re better off stocking up and being self sufficient, rather than naive.
Sure, you will eventually have to venture out, but that should be a last resort. If you’re caught unaware and have to “panic loot,” you’re going to risk your life, possibly get killed (zombies aren’t the only danger. As I’ve repeatedly said, the living are much worse!) and maybe even come home empty handed.
The government isn’t going to help you. Sorry…that’s just how it is. You want help? Help yourself.
I have cases of drinking water in my garage. It’s been there for so long, it’s not good for drinking any longer, but it can be used for bathing.
It’s not green, it’s not foul smelling, so just keep things in perspective; most everything has value, just think outside the box.
During the ZA…survival is going to take on a whole new meaning and you can’t be “throw away” happy any longer…because you might not get again, what you waste.
This concludes my helpful little article.
There is so much that needs to be done before a ZA hits, and this small guide is just the tip of the iceberg.
Draw from this, come up with your own plan and be prepared…because you never know…
Andy
